addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
