Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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