I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
