so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
