I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
