he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
