Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
