I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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