I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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