the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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