i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
