so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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