went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
