Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
