I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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