i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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