I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
