piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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