I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
