Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
