I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
foreskin is a definite game changer
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
