tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
