last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
