remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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