i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
