Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
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