I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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