Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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