Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
they're like a gay fantastic four
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
