I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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