I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
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