There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
