How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
