I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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