Cold hands, warm shart.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
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