Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
