haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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