she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
