i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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