I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
