Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Randomize
