Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
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I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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