I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
