I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
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either way he was missing a nipple.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
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My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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