they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
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To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
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Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
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