Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
