dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
