you told grandpa to call you daddy
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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