you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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