I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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