saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
