oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
