I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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