The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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