There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
